Sexless in the City {mature content}

I don't often discuss my personal life here but after a revelation I made in a previous Friend Making Mondays post and all the positive feedback I received from it I decided to open the door a bit more.

I'm celibate.

And have been for almost 3 years now.

That's right. Zip, zilch, nada. (Not even solo for those wondering)

Uncomfortable yet?

Funny how the subject of celibacy makes many a person squirm in their seat.

Our society is so assbackwards these days (hence the celibacy).

So let's address the first question on everyones mind -why? It has nothing to do with religion or God or marriage (not saying there's anything wrong with that- just not the originating driving force). I'm not waiting for a husband or my soul mate. I'm waiting until I'm ready, until I meet someone who can appreciate the value I place on myself but more importantly someone who places those same values on himself.

We all have a past. Celibacy doesn't erase that. I'm not an innocent by any and Im not judging anyone who lives a different lifestyle than my own. Sex is great, I just don't need sex to feel great about myself. Big difference and unfortunately people often confuse the two.

That's actually how this all started.

I was seeing someone at the time I jumped the sex ship. We weren't in a traditional relationship but we were committed bed buddies. We were about 8 months into our "relationship" when one morning I woke up and rolled over and just stared at him and everything changed. I asked myself what I was doing laying with a man I had no desire to be in a relationship with. I shouldn't feel empty after sex. I should be with someone who fulfills me emotionally and the sex becomes an extension of that.

Anything less and I was wasting my time.

Keep in mind dude had it going on. There was absolutely NO other reason for me to abandon this. He was kind, funny, stable and hot - think a slightly skinnier version of Tyson Beckford if you will. It could have easily turned it into a relationship, we had even tiptoed around the topic before. So I told him I needed a break, that I needed to figure out some things and I'd keep him in the loop along the way - I honestly figured I'd go back.

I tried like hell to figure it out. I mean why all of the sudden does someone go from hot to cold without an apparent reason. I made lists and talked to friends and still couldn't figure it out. I thought like a girl and analyzed like a guy. Still nothing.

And then it hit me. Like a ton. of. bricks.

I was asking the wrong questions - in the wrong order. Who cared if it was something HE did, or what was wrong with HIM.

How about why did I get with him in the first place. Why did I find him so special. What did I need from him at the time.

All fingers pointed back at me.

That really sucked.

Truth is I was looking for emotional fulfillment. Before meeting him I had gotten out of a relationship that ended badly - I didn't chose him for HIM, I chose him to make ME feel better/special/pretty/worthy/wanted. In other words, all the wrong reasons.

So I made another list. Self-respect, honor, self-love, value, cherish.

The list was titled "Things I Need To Learn To Do For Myself"

If I don't love, cherish, and respect myself then no one else will either. It starts with me. I needed to get myself together, spend time alone and really learn all about me. I haven't regretted it once.

But there are other reasons for my celibacy too.

Sex can kill you.

Condom or no condom it takes just one broken one and that's all she wrote.

Music and television often glorify sex taking the value from it.

No Kim K, it is NOT ok for you to be knocked up by one man while still married to another.

Cheating should NEVER be expected. Or allowed.

It's sad but the truth is we live in a very disposable society.

I just choose not to be a disposable person.