The Kill

There are two things guaranteed in life; change and death. Clearly Im not dead. They say everything happens for a reason but I often think that's just a bullshit line we tell ourselves to become more accepting of the crap that happens to us. I'm ok with change as long as I have some control over it, if its change Ive initiated. The other "life happens" change is another story. That kind of change drives me crazy and makes me question all my previous actions and decisions. It makes me question myself as a person, as a success, as a failure. That kind of change brings out the unknown and if I cant see it then I dont trust it. You can only go thru so much change before you reach a breaking point. We all break in different ways and Lord knows I've been chipped at enough in my short life to last 5 lifetimes over. Its made me strong but even the strongest of exteriors weaken over time.

That brings me to my current situation. Last month I found out that my office is closing on August 11th and 348 of us will lose our jobs. As an adult, I've never been unemployed before. Ever. To me this is not an option. It is not acceptable. So whats the big deal you say? Chicago unemployment sucks and wont cover my rent. I have no friends and family here. So I decided to move back to Dallas and get back on my feet, it wasn't my first option but the only one I had. Then after making that choice (and announcing it) my job offered me a great opportunity (and lucrative transfer package) to transfer to another office in Texas, a few hours away from home. After verifying my eligibility with several sources, including my manager and HR representatives, I signed up and began the process to relocate once again (announced it too). I felt great about this, it solved my employment problem and kept me from having to live with my parents again.

So I started making the necessary arrangements. I paid a very hefty sum to get out of my apartment here and placed a deposit on a new place, I was simply waiting for the relocating company to contact me for further instruction. After not hearing anything for a week and finding out other co-workers had received their packages I became concerned and reached out to HR. It was then that they informed me of an issue concerning a few days missed back in May. Yes, MAY. No one has been able to tell me why they didn't inform me of any impending issues and why I have an email from a manager telling me I'm eligible but they wont honor. Long story short, my company has deemed me ineligible to transfer. I'm appealing but I think its useless. I've been working directly with my HR manager and yes she is aware of all the steps I've already completed. I was told by a third party that right now they stand to pay $1.5 million in relocation packages, about half more than they were looking to and they are looking to "trim the fat" and looking for loopholes. Not surprising for a company who publicly announced a total of 4,000 layoffs in cost-cutting efforts.

So now after announcing to the world and making plans, everything has changed and I have to start over. But lets add a few twists in this shall we? I received a note on my door telling my apartment has been preleased and I have to vacate by the date listed. Luckily I can get part of my deposit back from the new place but that will take weeks and moving there anyways without a job is financial suicide. So now not only am I jobless, Im homeless now too. Oh, I also look like the most unstable person ever. One week its this, another week its that, now its something else. And to add insult to injury I now have to move back in with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents more than anything and it will do my heart good to see them and be around them but this deflates my ego, strips my of my independence and makes me feel like a humongous fucking failure. Its one thing when you first CHOOSE to move back home but completely different when being forced into doing so. Im 36 years old, I shouldn't be in positions like this. Im being forced into life changes that are detrimental to everything Ive worked so hard to build, to the person Ive sweat blood and tears to become.

Im SO tired of hearing how strong of a person I am. I know this. I know I will bounce back. I will find a job. I will get a new place. I will be successful once again. I KNOW THIS. Im like a cat, I always land on my feet. Im just tired of hearing about it. The anger and frustration is mounting in me and some days I feel like Im hanging on by a thread. Im running myself to the point of exhaustion, Im working out until failure. Anything to make it better and nothing is working. But I need to feel like this. I need to find my footing, find my way, reignite that spark that's quickly going out. I also need to do it alone. In my head. No interference. So Im going radio silent. No Facebook. No Twitter. No Instagram. No social media. Not until I've got a clear path again and that may be a week, a month, or a year - at this point I don't know. I may blog from time to time depending on the level of relief writing can give me at the time. We'll see. In the meantime, thanks for hanging in there with me, thanks for reading and for listening.

Oh and for those who are wondering about the title of this post - it refers to my favorite 30 Seconds To Mars song. I cant put my feelings and emotion into a better format right now than that song.


Until next time -